Childhood Memories

Kristine arrived home from Science Camp to a relieved mother and hungry stomach. I took her home promptly and fed her properly with short orders to take a shower. Her jovial personality was deeply missed and though she has returned with a deeper love of science, her enthusiasm for life remains undiminished!



What joy it is to be a child and what tender memories we collect along the way...



And then we rolled happily into the weekend which began with a reunion: The Whitings. Long lost adopted big sister Allison was upon us first and then we rendezvoused with the rest of the clan to watch Super Star, Bryce kick around a ball... oh wait, I think that's called soccer. And Ramsey thought it was his own personal long distance track meet - his stamina was quite impressive too.




It was lovely to see the Whitings, though quite frankly I did not have enough time with Miss Bunny - who had the ridiculous idea of returning the next day? That was ill planned.


But the weekend was not over and one of our favorite activites is hiking through the Oak Grove at the end of our street. We concluded Sunday afternoon with this event and enjoyed a warm, blissful autumn evening.

And who hasn't laid down on a soft lawn or warm earth to look through the branches of a sun drenched tree? When we are children the tree is a million years old and full of hopeful adventures and undiscovered dreams... and as we mature and take on the burdens of life the tree is a metaphor for growth, survival and hope.

For me, the tree when seen from this humble position is the manifestation of life's complexities and simplicities unfolding in a pattern so easily missed and yet magnificently planned.

There is beauty in its twisted arms and outstretched limbs - reaching toward heaven and soaking in the light. Through storm and wind and summer drought, it continues to grown and progress all the while its intrinsic beauty is evident; it does not have to be perfect nor right it just has to be what it is... And so it is with our lives: the beauty is in who we are - in being ourselves...

And the inner child who imagines the possibilities are within us still - for somehow we see in that tree a life that we hoped for and did not perhaps get, but the undeniable beauty that was created, in spite of unimaginable struggle. And in truth, our lives would not be as rich nor the palette as broad had things gone as planned. Beauty is the miracle.

Fall Madness

We love this time of year - the leaves turn colors and the world is christened by the onset of fall - like an experienced woman come home to tend her children.... warm, comfortable, safe. For Family night we emancipated the seasonal decorations and filled our home with the trappings of autumn and Halloween... And with the harvest season, comes the hustle and bustle of school activities and holiday preparations - which we love.

Friday night was 'movie' night at the children's elementary school and because we had run amuck all day, I had to take a shower and flit out the door - wet hair, snacks, blankets, 4 rowdy children and one perfectly content mother... We walked over to the campus, staked out our spot and began the 'running-wild-never-sit-down-eat-another-treat-is-there-a-movie-on?' madness. It was soulfully delightful.

(Moi with wet hair)

(Ram with Eddie)

And we had a guest in our midst. Ramsey got to bring "Eddie" home from school for the weekend. Eddie is his preschool class pet and they had lots of adventures. They went to movie night together, Kristine's roller hockey game (that her team won!), a few parks and a friend's soccer game. They cuddled and shared a pillow and loved playing together! Eddie was a well mannered house guest.

And then the week begins with the usual rhythm of activities and anticipation... but this week, Kristine is off to science camp where she will do experiments, dissect things and become a mad scientist! That's my girl!

Meet My Sisters

Before you read to the bottom, if you actually make it that far, allow me the opportunity of an explanation. I have lost many people in my life... and it is always after they are gone that I think, "I should have thanked them... I should have told them what they mean to me." Well as y'all know me, I sort of live by this now. I don't hesitate to express my profound gratitude for the cherished friendships and generous kindnesses that are extended to me in this life.

It is this philosophy that has lingered in the back of my mind like sweet perfume. I have wanted to proclaim my sentiments and put it to paper, if you will. So this is my attempt.

Because I tried to do this in only two days, I know there are a couple of amazing individuals who are not on the list yet. So, I will be revising this slightly after the weekend... but for now - it is just that, a list. And I will also admit that I have not included the women in my own family, for I did not want to eclipse this project... that will be for another time.

So allow me to introduce my sisters...

These are my sisters. By blood, by chance, by choice. These are miracles of strength, warriors of courage, survivors of holocausts... these women have experienced more life and more loss than most others I know, and not a one of them is mild, unspirited, malicious or unkind. Each one of these women posses a beauty that transcends mere flesh, a grace that radiates from the soul. Each woman here has defeated impossible odds, grasped tightly to faith when there should have been none and been always a constant and kind friend in my life... I have been so humbled and proud all at once to call them mine. For they are... They are my friends and my sisters.

Thank you sisters.

Jen - You are my sister - the other half of one spirit, the same DNA scrambled. You are my strength when I have none for myself and my righteous anger when I have not the energy. You see what I deserve even when I don't see it for myself. You have a gift of love and laughter and strength beyond any other earthly mortal - I am honored God gave you to me as my sister. I love and admire you.

Arianna - It's been more years than we should admit. We are so much the same in the inverse - and your love and support and faith in me I will always cherish. You are so strong, wise and principled. You always have your course firmly set in the right direction and you always go where you desire - no matter the effort. You are amazing. I have never questioned your love and loyalty – your friendship is priceless to me. I love you.

Kai - Woman - I admire you. You love effortlessly and give without restraint. You make me laugh till my sides hurt and cry with me when my soul can stand no more… You have been selfless, unconditionally accepting and faithful to all who know you. Thank you for mothering my children, kicking my butt and cutting me some slack all in the right time and space. My life has been deeply blessed by you and I am profoundly grateful. I love you, lady.

Kath – You were the one who taught me to trust myself as a mother and relish the tiny moments – to embrace it before it is gone… and you took me in with such love and joy that it enriched my life. You will always be one of my favorites! I love you, chica (and your fam)…

Donna – What mountain have we not climbed together or had in common? I love you so much no matter how far and how long… we had our babies together and lost our families and triumphed… Woman you are strong, bright and beautiful and I am so grateful for your love and spirit. You are true blue and full of life. Laugh, cry or pee our pants, we always have each other… Love ya, babe. You are amazing.

Holly P- Another sister with a different mother ;) and my kindred spirit. Even when we were on the other side of the world, you knew me and made me laugh. Your intelligence and athletic grace are amazing and your vocabulary rocks! It's like the spirit works through us to take care of the other... I know we must have intimidate the crap out of a lot of men in the preexistence, babe ;) We are a force to be reckoned with LOL Love ya.

Elizabeth – I have known you since you were a child and now you are an amazing and talented woman, mother and wife. I am so glad that we have stayed in touch and that the miles and the years did not divide us. You will always be a tender YW to me who I love and care for, and worry about. And I am so grateful to count you as a friend. You are fabulous!

Michelle L – Lady, I liked you from the start. You are a strong and intelligent woman who has been a true friend no matter the time and no matter the distance. Thank you for your love and loyalty – and always being honest. I miss our time in Chicago, but know you are never really out of my life.

Tif – Hey beautiful! You and I have shared our secrets and I know we understand one another. You are such an uplifting friend and I will always be thankful for that time when we were ‘family.’ Love ya, babe.

Daisie – You are so strong in the gospel that it amazes me. I admire your dedication and love of your family. You are such a wonderful and giving woman who I was blessed to know and befriend. Thank you for always standing for the right and for always being my friend. You know I love you.

Kris – Okay – words can’t express how connected we are… nor how many secrets and sorrows we have shared. You have lifted my burdens, been generous to my family, loved me unconditionally and stood strong in the gospel. You know that we have known each other forever… and that will never change. Thank you for supporting me, asking the right questions and listening to the spirit! I love you!

Bunny – We should have connected from the beginning – as it was there was never enough time. You knew the truth of my pain when no one else did and you have been ever true. You are an amazing mother, a true friend, a chosen sister and you have one hell of a sense of humor. I just wish we weren’t so far apart. We are the same age, no matter what the earthly time line is and we have known each other forever. I am so grateful for your love and support – you are always there when I need you. Thank you.

Mary –Lady, I would have been lost without you. Not only were your kids sent to this earth just to bless my children but you came across the country for me, when I was in the wake of terror – and you know I love you like another sister, but for that you will always be in my heart. You do so much good with your life and you fight for your kids… You do not give up no matter how incredibly hard being a mom can be. I admire you so much and I am honored to call you my friend. I love ya, darlin’.

Jillyne - We have shadowed one another across the country and back again... and yet you and your family have provided shelter and safety in the tempest of my storms. Your spirit is ever bright and your tenderness is always present. Thank you for being a faithful and steadfast friend... for making the best Pina Coladas on the Planet and driving me to the airport at 4 am. For laughter and warmth as a most precious sister. Love you, girl.

Sherry – WOMAN. You were my moment of sanity in a crazy place – you made an impossible calling bearable and your friendship has been true and honest always. You have such a strong testimony and faith – and I am graced to include you in my circle of friends… of amazing and wonderful women. Thank you for trusting me and believing in me and for always being my friend. Love you lots. Big squeeze!!!

Kel V- No one could get me to run! You know I mean it. And if I had had any idea what countless miles laid in my future because of you, I might not have been so nice to you at the Y (LOL). You are a woman after my own heart – strong and independent and confident and faithful. Your friendship has lifted me up, brought me laughter and made me a stronger person. Thank you for being my friend. I hope you know how much I love you, babe.

Paula T - You are a kindred spirit, one that spoke to my heart. We have walked paths that are not easily traversed and yet we have triumphed. You will always be my friend and I know that your fortitude and perseverance will outlast any obstacle place before you. I admire your creativity and quest for joy. And I am so blessed to call you friend. Love you lots!

Ione - Another mother and grandmother... a friend and sister. Your love and openess to my family transcends generosity and charity. You have gaurded and protected my heart - and always stood on righteous ground. Thank you for loving us and being in our lives. I love you so much.

Amanda – How many afternoons did we sit on your driveway? And what about our own science camp? I am so grateful for the years we had as friends – to share our faith, our concerns and our kids. I appreciate your cooking (lol), your gentleness with my children and your unwavering friendship. I hope you know that you made that street a home for me! Love you, babe.

Michelle S– We had the same life for a while, there… too bad you had to move! No one out shops us together… we are amazing. LOL Thank you for being a genuine friend and for sticking up for me no matter what. Thank you for being supportive and concerned. I know you have my back and I will always have yours . You are a talented, fun and hot chica ;) Love ya, babe.

Melanie – I would not have survived till the dawn if it weren’t for you. Sister of my heart. So much in common – in our lives and in our priorities and we have strengthened one another. You are beautiful, bright and fearless! Thank you for always listening and sharing your own wisdom. Thanks for being the one person who knows my situation and understands my pain. You were given to me by the Grace of God. The storm would not have passed so easily had you not seen me through… I love you, Mel.

Paula – Miles, circumstances, even life cannot keep us from being friends. You have such a good spirit and kind family. You are faithful and constant and never give up. You make me laugh and know when I need to cry. And you make one mean mango smoothie. Another sister in the family of my heart… I love you, lady.

JaNell – You are an angel – a gift to my kids and laughter in my soul. Thank you for being such a kind friend… for babysitting, moving boxes and furniture – coming to FHE when I would have done it alone. For being an uplifting force in our lives. You know that I love you and your dude!

Staza – Time could not keep us apart nor could crisis after crisis… We will always be friends, sisters, warriors ;) We are strong and fearless and we believe always in the greater good. You know that I love you and admire your determination and dedication.

Syd – I am the other sister, the other wife (cuz of you not Lee), the other part of your amazing family as you are to mine. Your gift of strength and friendship has seen me through the darkest point in my life – and you cheered for me and believed in me. I can’t think of how much you mean to me without crying. I cannot put it into words. I love you. Thank you.

Maria – Mi hermana bonita y te amo con todo mi Corazon. Gracias por su ayuda y amor quando tenia mi problema… You know how much you mean to me and that I miss the trouble we get into! Thank you for taking me to the temple in the depths of despair and for standing strong when I could not. I admire you strength and conviction… thank you for belly laughs and Boston Legal – for sopas and girl talk… Girl, I always have your back. Love ya.

Marsha – My Logan mom. Thank you for listening, helping, taking me in, and always making time for me. You gift of friendship and love has meant more than I can say… I admire your steadfastness and patience - with everyone... you are a valiant example to me. I just love you.

Tam - Sneaking around and texting back and forth... and sitting with me till it was safe and providing you with names. Lady, you are a pillar of tenderness and compassion. You love without boundries and laugh from your heart. Thank you for being my friend and for knowing where my pain began... Love you.

Dixie - We found eachother in the wake of loss... and supported one another in a time of great transition. You are such an inspiration of faith and friendship. I admire your spirit of adventure and willingness to serve those around you. You have touched my life and helped me heal. Love you always.

Jolene - You knew... you knew when I was in the bowels of hell and you validated that terrible place. You, a survivor and fearless woman. Thank you for being my friend, for knowing my pain and for letting me be myself, always. I admire what you have - the love you have created in your own life. You are amazing. Love ya, babe.

Jeanie – “Our lives suck” – wasn’t that a day! But look where we are now! And we are laughing and loving and whole. Thank you for walking with me into hell and for being by my side. You are so kind, loving, patient and positive… your family strengthened us more than you can know. Thank you and I love you.

Carrie – Sister, friend – amazing heart. You took my family and harbored us. You will always be a sister to me. I love you and yours… and I admire your strength, kindness and boundless compassion. You saved us – when we were homeless and heartbroken. And you always listen, even when it is not easy… Thank you so much. I love you.

Afua – I walked right up to you like a moth to the flame. You are breathtaking, honest and full of life. There isn’t a time when we weren’t destined to be sisters… I am so thankful for your friendship and honesty – and for the ear you so easily lend. You truly are a phenomenal woman and I love ya, honey!

Blog Stalkers – Ladies you know who you are – and I am also thankful for these new friends.
Love is something we never lose when we give it away! Welcome my family ;)

Amateur Photographer

Ramsey decided to try his hand at photography today:

So then I took one of us (self photos are always risky). You know, men could learn a lot from this little guy. He tells me all of the time, "Mommy, you beautiful." And he means it. It makes me go dreamy and makes me laugh - no one taught him that and wow, does it work. Anger appeased, trouble forgotten, Mom is a woman - it melts my heart and works everytime! LOL

Do you ever feel like you spend way too much time on the phone? I do - I get internet, email, voicemail, text messages, and regular phone calls on my lovely electronic handcuff - my BlackBerry. Sometimes (like when my car wouldn't start today and I had 3 places to be at once) I am very grateful for the evasive way in which we have allowed technology to infiltrate the most intimate parts of our lives... because the AAA guy was speedy and resolved my problem! But there are times when a sudden impulse to hurtle the BB out of my car while driving 80 mph over takes me (friends in TX - I know it's too slow; friends in Ut - it is doing two things at once; friends in CA - it is too fast but at least I would be hands free).

It's wirelessly exhausting!

Anyway, I wanted to post today because I have had this idea in the back of my mind forever and I thought I would make a small attempt to do this (and see who is actually reading my blog). I won't say exactly what I have in mind but remember I know things and I know you! So be warned, the next posting will be an amazing one! You won't want to miss it.

Fall

(First day of school)

As if all new schools aren't enough we have revised a full activity schedule this week: Rebekah has YW, Rainbow, Dance, Paino and Voice; Kristine is in Ach. Days, Piano and Roller Hockey; Isabella is doing Piano, Dance and Brownies; Ramsey loves his new preschool; I am teaching on Friday mornings at the college, running my business, taking a dance class (from a woman who I studied under years ago - amazing how we come full circle!), doing light training to see if I am ready to do tris again (so long as I don't aggrivate my injury), offering private classes through a special district here, and Church of course.

And because you know me, you know it all runs like a well oiled Fortune 500 Company. (Woohoo - love life on the go!)

(Kristine is in the center, red jersey)

And so that I don't have to keep answering the same questions, yes I am dating. Is there someone? No. My family comes first. So if the timing is right and it doesn't require me to sacrifice being with my kids, I am happy to go out and have 'grown up' time. But my life is fantastic - and there is no need as of yet to upset this balance.

There is so much love and joy each day. And I don't want to miss a second of it. (Stop the raised eye brows and lectures...) I know that God's plan is for eternal families and I am grateful for that - because when the time is right He will 'make all things whole.' So until then I live each day grateful for my freedom - it's like a thick wool blanket in a drafty, no-heat-never-been-insulated-old-cabin in a blizzard! (Yes, I love my freedom. lol )

Weeping Buddha

Y'all have been wondering what happened to me... Life. We hit the ground running. We arrived back in CA about two and a half weeks ago. The kids did Bible School at my parent's church with their cousins, we swam daily and squeezed all the fun we could every second of the two weeks we had before school began.



I did finally get confirmation that I am teaching at DeAnza College - thankfully. And it looks like they intend to keep me. My term starts Sept. 21. I have some time but am madly trying to assemble a syllabus and select texts for my class. (I am teaching Western Civ. 1350 to 1750)



Tuesday was the big day for the girls and Wednesday was for Ramsey. School started. They are all enjoying their teachers and classes. They are all thankful to be at the schools they will remain in while we live in California (no more changes)! They were so excited and nervous that we had lots up upset tummies Monday night. But thankfully our home teacher came by and gave each of the children and me a blessing before the school year commences. It did help calm things significantly.



Labor Day weekend is coming. I will avoid posting too much but will say that I have been harassed, yelled at and inundated by the children's father. I wish that he would just be kind to them and leave me alone... But regardless, it will be over in three days.



I actually want to share something that speaks to me... this is an excerpt of how I phrased it in an email to a friend: the Weeping Buddha.



The legend of the Weeping Buddha is essentially a tale riddled with deep tragedy. As a warrior, Prince Siddhartha Gautama went off to fight battles and obtain glory - he thus spent years away from his family. Eventually, upon his journey home he encountered a young and confident warrior with whom he engaged in battle. Siddhartha was of course victorious and killed his enemy. Once the conflict was over, he saw this enemy's face for the first time. It was his son... Siddhartha laid down his armor and weapons and dropped to the ground weeping. He vowed to only embark on a peaceful existence - ergo a Prince becomes the Buddha.



The traditional stance of the Buddha is of course the lotus position, the Weeping Buddha is this, but with him crumpled up into his own lap, sobbing.

This story speaks to me - I know that at some juncture in this mortal life each one of us is put in this state... some tragedy, some loss that generates unspeakable pain. -Something that hits us so deeply, so profoundly that it is the catalyst for immeasurable change. We started as one person but emerge as another. For me, this was my divorce - for my sister it was when her first son died... In the end we are never who we were. And our lives mean more and our capacity is greater because of it.

And while on the surface this connotes tragedy, in truth it is beauty. It is the 'refiners fire' or the working 'atonement.' It is that which allows us to become the Buddha. The Peace Seeker, if you will. I know that I have joy in my life and peace in my heart. I am centered and happy - and have so much more compassion than before. I am at once more vulnerable and stronger. And this is because of the 'great tragedy' in my life - which looking back on, I am profoundly grateful for...

Actually, when I was in the Caribbean in July I happened into an import shop, where I descried a small, immaculately formed Weeping Buddha - I brought it home with me. (I attached a web image of a Weeping Buddha - I don't have a picture of the one I acquired.) Because in truth, the story means more to me now then it could possibly have meant before. It is sacred to me.

We Are Home

We are home! Of all the tender mercies this is the greatest to us. We arrived today.

We made sure to fill our last week in Logan with as much fun as we could. Rebekah was finishing off girl's camp and then joined us at the end. So we went to the American West Heritage Center, water parties and birthdays, met the Muggelston's at the Fun Center, went to the fair, saw the temple, visited with the Hunsakers, saw the SLC home show, went through photos with the Sorenson's and more! Rebekah even managed to do some babysitting jobs. It was just a week on the run filled with kind and dear friends.

(Am. West Hert. Center)

(Fun Center)

(Hunsakers and our hands at Ryan's Park)

(Visiting the Willie's and the Fair)

(Touching the Walls of the Temple)

As the 7 weeks in Utah is finally over I have to make some observations. I have had ample time to consider and ascertain where I am in this process. And I realize that my boundaries are more important than previously thought. I am endowed with the ability to maintain healthy perimeters and the sense to do so diplomatically - which has served me well considering the dynamics of my situation. I have also validated the presumption that the highroad is the better one to travel - even when the way is impeded. I laugh everyday and feel deeply centered within myself - truly joyful... I love my life and those in it and around us. I am in a good place and ever grateful for the manner in which I have been supported and loved in this process. In spite of the negative inundations dispensed by my children's father we will triumph - we will be fine. This doesn't mean we are without battle wounds - but those can be dressed and heal over time. Most critically we know we have one another and that we are the eternal family... Whole.

I had a wonderful experience, which was the highlight of the week: I met the Prophet. Here's what I wrote about it:

I had the most amazing experience at the Opera on Saturday night. I met the Prophet.

I had tickets to the 1776 - One of my friend's sons works at the Opera House and received a call that the Prophet was coming that evening - thus the security would be elevated. He told me right away as I had tickets. I didn't think twice of it because Michael Ballam, head of the Opera Company, (who was in my Logan ward) is friends with most of the general authorities -so they often come down at some point in the season to enjoy the Opera Festival.

So, I was present a bit early, down on the main floor of the Opera House. I was standing with a friend when the side theater door nearest to me opened. Two security men and some men from the sheriff's department entered followed succinctly by President Monson. He stood about ten feet away from me.

I can't explain it sufficiently, but when I turned and saw the Prophet it was like there was an enclosed light around him - though there wasn't a literal light. It was as if there was this sudden stillness. A peace. And I realized it was within me... it was as if everything inside of me suddenly went quiet and in that moment my soul was perfectly still. It was amazing. And the one thought that went through me was 'Here is the Prophet of God.'

In earnest I have to say that this happened in just a split second, but I will never forget it. I talked with Bob and Marsha about it on Sunday and she said that she's had that same experience... It is difficult to verbalize but it will always stay with me.

Anyway, I stood immediately, of course, and observed as the gentleman whom accompanied the Prophet introduced him to a couple sitting right behind me. President Monson began to move into the row and as he stepped in, looked up at me and my friend, nodded, then started to say something. I held out my hand and he shook it and then graciously complimented us. I expressed my gratitude at being there with him and he made another comment, then moved down about five more seats and sat with his wife.

There wasn't an announcement nor any introduction. Only a handful of us who had been seated by this side door knew he was present. Once the lights dimmed, Michael Ballam came to the house microphone and began to speak. He thanked all those in attendance on behalf of himself and the Opera Company, said a few words about the season so far then switched gears. He said that there was a special person in the audience who at this time he wanted to recognize. That this was a man who was a dear friend to him and his family. Michael said "I want to testify" that at times this person and his family had offered prayers on behalf of Michael's own family - and that through their prayers they had seen miracles (Michael's youngest son - Ben has Spina Bifida). Michael went on to share that this person was the Living Prophet of God on earth at this time, the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and on behalf of his own family and the Opera Company he wanted to welcome President Monson and his wife.

The entire theater erupted with applause. President Monson didn't stand but raised one arm in a salute like wave. The applause continued to which the Prophet responded by standing for just a moment then took his seat. Then the opera began.

I have to affirm that this was a treasured experience and moved me deeply. I will always cherish this small opportunity, this tender mercy if you will, that Heavenly Father allowed me. -Because even though it was just a moment, it was one that places me eternally, an experience in my mind's eye that while small, is tremendous in its significance...